Originally attached to the bottom of the last post, I thought it was better in a separate post rather than making the other one needlessly long.
Council and housing association complaints
The following are real extracts from actual complaint letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. What a literate bunch we Brits truly are!
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,
… and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
And complaints to travel agents…
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
"The beach was too sandy."
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
“I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.”
Makes you proud to be British, doesn’t it?
Friday, 10 June 2011
Fw: A brilliant letter
Doing the rounds - thought I'd post it here rather than spam my address book with the contents...
A letter to David Milliband when he was at DEFRA:
16 May 2007
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?
I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully,
XXXXX XXXXXXXXXX
A letter to David Milliband when he was at DEFRA:
16 May 2007
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?
I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully,
XXXXX XXXXXXXXXX
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Last Name Game
Original Rules: It's harder than it looks! Hit forward, erase my answers, enter yours and send it on to 10 people, including me. Use the first letter of your last name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real places, names, things, nothing made up. Use different answers than the person in front of you.
My rules: Copy / paste into a text editor, edit as above, post as blog. If you want to join in, copy / paste / edit in a comment.
1) What is your last name?
Norwood (no point in hiding it, since you can find it by Googling my nickname!)
2) An animal
Narwhal
3) A boy's name
Nick
4) A girl's name
Naomi
5) An occupation
Nail technician (how random is that?!)
6) A colour
Navy blue
7) Something you wear
Necktie (is that one word or two?)
8) A beverage
Nero d'Avola (OK, so I had to look that one up on Wikipedia)
9) A food
Nutella®
10) Something found in the bathroom
NaOCl (Sodium hypochlorite, aka bleach)
11) A place
Norway
12) A reason for being late
No fuel (never happened to me, mercifully!)
13) Something you shout
NO!
My rules: Copy / paste into a text editor, edit as above, post as blog. If you want to join in, copy / paste / edit in a comment.
1) What is your last name?
Norwood (no point in hiding it, since you can find it by Googling my nickname!)
2) An animal
Narwhal
3) A boy's name
Nick
4) A girl's name
Naomi
5) An occupation
Nail technician (how random is that?!)
6) A colour
Navy blue
7) Something you wear
Necktie (is that one word or two?)
8) A beverage
Nero d'Avola (OK, so I had to look that one up on Wikipedia)
9) A food
Nutella®
10) Something found in the bathroom
NaOCl (Sodium hypochlorite, aka bleach)
11) A place
Norway
12) A reason for being late
No fuel (never happened to me, mercifully!)
13) Something you shout
NO!
Erm, Hi there...
OK, so I've dabbled in the blogosphere as a contributor to the PM blog, posted updates on a site-specific blog, joined Facebook, done the Twittery thingery, uploaded a few videos to YouTube; so now I suppose it's time to attempt a blog of my own.
This will either be a roaring success (who am I trying to kid?) or (far more likely!) suffer the fate of many blogs and be viewed infrequently, updated even less often, and attract b*gg*r all comments. Oh well.
So, I suppose you'll want to know all about me? For a start, you may have gathered my profile pic ain't me. There are precious few photos of me in existence, and I'm not exactly Mr. Universe (although, to be fair, I'm not exactly Mr. Blobby either!). Anyway, I figured Froggy there was more photogenic and attractive than me, so that's why he's up there.
OK, so now that's done with, who am I? Good question...
I'm 33 years old, am about 5'10" tall and 11.5 - 12 stone in weight (I'm sure my weight can't vary as much as my electronic scales claim it does!) my occupation involves working as part of a team maintaining and developing an electronic social care case recording system; plus writing user documentation for it and participating in the helpdesk duty rota. For fairly obvious reasons I can't really go into much more detail than that.
Socially, I'm a recluse. I only know a few people other than colleagues in the local area, and as I don't drink much, abhor loud music, and don't have a tremendous amount of disposable income, I'm not really 'in to' any kind of social scene. Besides which, I also dislike sport and pop music, like science and technology (although I'm not a fanboi for any particular technology - especially those produced by a certain fruity company), and retain a generally sceptical attitude towards politics.
So, what will I use this blog for? Goodness knows! Probably a bit of ranting about this'n'that, a bit of talking about places I've been, a bit of publishing responses to chain email games (e.g. fill in this survey, send it to ten people including the sender - publishing my responses here, they can be seen by those playing without clogging up mail servers!).
And finally, if you'd read through this (how brave and noble of you!), you may have garnered a hint as to why I chose that particular title for my blog. It's a phrase I've often used in introductions (and indeed, I've used it in my Twitter profile - which also explains my nickname for those curious as to the meaning of "mittfh").
Now, be off with you - find something more worthwhile to read - or, if you insist, leave some kind of comment below. It can't possibly make much less sense than this blog post...
This will either be a roaring success (who am I trying to kid?) or (far more likely!) suffer the fate of many blogs and be viewed infrequently, updated even less often, and attract b*gg*r all comments. Oh well.
So, I suppose you'll want to know all about me? For a start, you may have gathered my profile pic ain't me. There are precious few photos of me in existence, and I'm not exactly Mr. Universe (although, to be fair, I'm not exactly Mr. Blobby either!). Anyway, I figured Froggy there was more photogenic and attractive than me, so that's why he's up there.
OK, so now that's done with, who am I? Good question...
I'm 33 years old, am about 5'10" tall and 11.5 - 12 stone in weight (I'm sure my weight can't vary as much as my electronic scales claim it does!) my occupation involves working as part of a team maintaining and developing an electronic social care case recording system; plus writing user documentation for it and participating in the helpdesk duty rota. For fairly obvious reasons I can't really go into much more detail than that.
Socially, I'm a recluse. I only know a few people other than colleagues in the local area, and as I don't drink much, abhor loud music, and don't have a tremendous amount of disposable income, I'm not really 'in to' any kind of social scene. Besides which, I also dislike sport and pop music, like science and technology (although I'm not a fanboi for any particular technology - especially those produced by a certain fruity company), and retain a generally sceptical attitude towards politics.
So, what will I use this blog for? Goodness knows! Probably a bit of ranting about this'n'that, a bit of talking about places I've been, a bit of publishing responses to chain email games (e.g. fill in this survey, send it to ten people including the sender - publishing my responses here, they can be seen by those playing without clogging up mail servers!).
And finally, if you'd read through this (how brave and noble of you!), you may have garnered a hint as to why I chose that particular title for my blog. It's a phrase I've often used in introductions (and indeed, I've used it in my Twitter profile - which also explains my nickname for those curious as to the meaning of "mittfh").
Now, be off with you - find something more worthwhile to read - or, if you insist, leave some kind of comment below. It can't possibly make much less sense than this blog post...
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